


Take Care. I'll See You In Heaven.

by Misha_Migos



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cancer, Death, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Dying!Castiel, Emotions, Heaven, Hell, Hospital, Human!Castiel - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, Hurting!Castiel, Illness, Love, M/M, Notes, Pain, Season 9, Sick!Castiel, Sickness, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Worried!Dean, sad!castiel, sad!dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-13
Updated: 2014-03-15
Packaged: 2018-01-04 13:00:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1081308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misha_Migos/pseuds/Misha_Migos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel fell from Heaven. He met up with the Winchester boys but then he did something no one thought he was capable of doing. He moved away, away from the Winchesters, away from the Supernatural life and away from everything. He started a new life.<br/>3 years later and his new life isn't going as good as he thought it would so he calls up Dean, asks him to come over because right now he is in the hospital, dying, from the most human illness: Cancer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shock

**Author's Note:**

> So this work was a roleplay completed by me and the lovely Fanfiction.Net user, ameliaa-holmes. For the record, this has not been beta'd, I've looked over it and corrected as many of those tedious little errors I could find. Sorry if I have left errors though, my bad.  
> Read the tags if you want to quickly find out about what you are about to read as I am not putting it in the notes. I hope you do like this, the chapters will be updated as I finish editing them. Comments or criticisms for our work would be nice and would contribute to the future of our writing. Thank you! Have fun reading!~

After Castiel fell from Heaven, he did find and talk to the Winchester brothers for a while but had distanced from them. Now, it had been 3 years since Castiel had last spoken to Dean, Sam or even Kevin. In fact, he had ran away from the whole aspect of the hunting or the supernatural world and he had been lucky, no one visited him, tortured him, questioned him and all was good. Until he started feeling sick around 8 months ago and the doctor's he went to found out that he had stage four pancreatic cancer that had spread to the stomach, and that it was too late for chemotherapy or radiation treatments, instead the doctors just tried to keep his as comfortable as possible. They gave him 9 months to live and if you could do the math correctly, he was on his last month. He was constantly bed-ridden now in hospital and nurses kept asking if he wanted to contact a friend or family and he had denied it every time, thinking of no one who would be there for him, until one day, he pondered. He wondered if he should contact Dean and so he did, 'Dean, come to St James Memorial Hospital. From Castiel' He texted that message to Dean's number, hoping he still had it. It was often when the Winchesters would have to change their phones, maybe they had lost it or broken it in a hunt or changing it simply so that FBI couldn't find them and track their calls. And so Castiel was left, laying in the hospital bed, an almost skeletal body framework and slowly dying, never to come back to Earth.

When Dean received a text very early in the morning, the last person he expected it to be from Castiel. Dean had read the message over several times, his fingers shaking as he did so. It had taken him a matter of ten minutes before he had packed a bag, explained to Sam he needed to be somewhere important, and was in the Impala, heading towards the hospital. He could still feel his fingers trembling slightly as he approached one of the nurses at the desk after the long, tedious drive. "Ah - I'm here to visit a Castiel?" The nurse gave him a sad smile - only worsening Dean's panic - and directed him towards a room. Dean stood outside Castiel's ward for a long moment; the door was closed and separated the two of them. He took a deep breath, trying to stop his shaking hands and knocked on the door.

Castiel still missed being an angel but he enjoyed just watching the busy lives and the sheer energy of the human race through his window and out to the garden. Many people would think that it was depressing but Castiel loved it and it was something that he did most every day since he was too weak to stand up on his own for long periods of time. Sometimes he was able to go out into the garden, sit on a bench and take in the warm and happy rays of the sun, treasuring each moment he had left of his long and tiring life. Castiel looked down at the barely eaten food in front of him and felt nauseous from the two bites that he took of it. He hated hospital food and that just made everything worse for him. Castiel sighed as he watched the quiet TV in the corner of his room and jumped when a knock was heard on his door. He consciously pulled the blanket up to cover more of his hospital gowned body as he was insecure about his bony body and answered. "Come in." His voice was weak and tired sounding.

Dean continued to hesitate for a moment longer, beginning to wonder if he had made a mistake in coming. But then he heard it - the familiar sound of Castiel's voice - and every ounce of his being screamed at him to get closer to the owner of the voice. Opening the door, Dean's mouth all but dropped open. He didn't know what he had been expecting - maybe a broken arm at the worst - but it wasn't this. Castiel, looking like a skeleton, was covered under white sheets, tubes prodding out of his body at odd places, his lips a sickly blue, his bones protruding. Castiel’s cheekbones looked sharp and it looked as if all the fat and muscle that the ex-angel wore on him, had been completely sucked away from him and Dean was completely shocked to say in the least. The white shades of the hospital room made the dark shades under his eyes even darker. "Cas..." Dean whispered, paralysed by the sight of him.

Castiel felt shocked at first at the sight of Dean, standing in the doorway of his hospital room, clad in the usual leather jacket and denim jeans. Not much had changed from him, except the lines of weary years evident on his face and a stronger build to his body if that were possible. He knew that Dean would have more scars, three years was enough time to get roughed up a little for a hunter and Castiel wondered how many Dean had in total, how many times Dean had gone through pain and suffering just to get the supernatural monsters and freaks back in order. Castiel perked up a bit from the word that Dean uttered, not having heard Dean’s voice in three years and to finally hear his voice, his name being spoken by Dean, made him feel something he hadn’t felt since the last time he saw him. Castiel wondered for a brief moment if Dean had even thought of him in the last three years. Castiel noticed that Dean was looking over at everything that was on him, from the numerous IV's to his arms and the morphine pump to his port. "D-Dean?" Castiel stuttered, he was still having trouble processing that Dean had actually come to him when Castiel needed him the most even if Castiel regrettably didn't do that a lot when he was an angel. It showed that Dean respected him a bit more than he thought. "It's okay... You can come in..." Castiel quietly said, motioning slowly to a chair next to the bed. His movements were slow but Castiel still had strength, he could still do things for himself, he wasn’t completely immobilized and he liked that, liked having to do something for himself instead of letting other people do it for him.

Dean gulped, nodding and trying to regain control of his body. He felt slightly numb with shock from the tubes and wires and beeping machines because it was completely wrong as Cas looked sick. He wasn’t supposed to look sick, he wasn’t even supposed to have the ability of being sick but here he was now, laying in a hospital bed, looking like death. He straightened his shoulders, walking over slowly to sit in the chair beside Cas' bed, burying his hands into his pockets so Castiel couldn't see how much they were shaking from the nervousness and the fear he felt. "Cas -" He repeated, hardly more than a whisper. After scanning the whole room, his gaze finally came to rest on Castiel. He looked into his ocean blue eyes which - unlike the rest of him - hadn't changed a bit. "What -" was all he managed to say as a wave of sadness washed over him and he was forced to avert his gaze from Castiel’s fearing he might crumple right in front of the sick ex-angel.

Castiel looked around him and noticed why Dean might have been overwhelmed. His throat got caught for a few seconds before he used his slightly raspy voice. "Cancer." He said simply, looking down at his bony fingers which were tangled together, mingling with one another, giving him something to do other than look at Dean and simply watch him become even more heart broken. He decided to give it a few moments to explain as he didn't want Dean to be overwhelmed with this shock either because he was still confused as to why this was happening, he even got angry sometimes but then he had to do the most rational thing and just accept his oncoming death. "Pancreatic Cancer…stage four." He finished, his throat closing off with a squeak, a few moments later. God, he had said those words too many times in the past 8 months that they were almost just normal to him but when he explained it to Dean, it was different, it hurt more to admit it, it hurt to blatantly state that he was leaving Dean with no chance of coming back. Living in the hospital was now normal to him too seeing as he had been there for a while. He was used to the ringing of phones, the coughing of other patients out in the halls, the usual aroma of death and disinfectant stinking up in his nostrils. "Sorry..." Castiel croaked.

Dean felt tears prick at the back of his eyes. The word, cancer, so simple, but yet so complex, and it dropped like a brick between the pair of them. It took Dean aback, he suddenly couldn’t think straight because the word cancer was just flashing and popping up in Dean’s head like a disco and it shocked Dean to the core because he really had nothing to do with cancer a lot of the time and now that something was happening to him that actually revolved around the life threatening disease, it made Dean put things into perspective. Dean couldn't help but feel that it was his entire fault even if he had no control whether Castiel got cancer or not. But he felt that if he had just looked after Cas better, kept Castiel with them for longer then none of this would ever have happened. He suddenly thought about all their lost minutes together, all the times they would never have now, all the things they could have done in the past 3 years. "God, don't apologize." Dean choked, tears welling now. Dammit. Hold them back, he willed himself. Cas didn't need to see him cry. "I...I...how long?"

Castiel looked up to see Dean, taking in the look of Dean’s face. He looked tired, and he wondered how long Dean was sat in the car to try and reach him but that thought quickly disappeared when he noticed that Dean wore unshed tears in his eyes and he knew that if Dean blinked, the perfect tear drops would fall down the man’s face in a graceful manner. God, this whole thing was affecting him more than he thought it would, he didn't even think Dean would even come, it was a miracle that he did but it certainly made him feel better, not so much alone now, which was good. "Not long now... Doctor's said I had 9 months... That was 8 months ago..." Castiel had 9 months to accept his fate and whilst it was hard at first, he grew better at accepting it but it was hard now, to accept it in front of Dean. Some sort of pressure was building up in Castiel’s chest and he knew that if this continued, he would start crying, it was almost like a chain reaction after seeing Dean so upset too. He didn't want to break down, not now, not in front of Dean so he quickly wiped the tears that were threatening to spill and just hoped that Dean didn't see that.


	2. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel fell from Heaven. He met up with the Winchester boys but then he did something no one thought he was capable of doing. He moved away, away from the Winchesters, away from the Supernatural life and away from everything. He started a new life.  
> 3 years later and his new life isn't going as good as he thought it would so he calls up Dean, asks him to come over because right now he is in the hospital, dying, from the most human illness: Cancer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So wow - You guys seem to like this :) Thank you to all those who have kudos'd my work or subscribed, very appreciated. This chapter wasn't supposed to come out today but I thought that I might as well. This work has been done by me and a lovely Fanfiction.Net user, ameliaa-holmes.  
> Once again, enjoy!~

"Shit." Dean cursed, his whole body jolting to a stop as he realized how little time the ex-angel had. "Shit. Cas, why didn't you contact me sooner?" The thoughts of all the things they could have done together, racing around in his head but that didn’t matter because Castiel didn’t have that much time. Time had never really been an issue for Dean but now it was the biggest issue he could think about and he couldn't help but feel hurt. Like he had been betrayed, by the damn cancer and its damn ability to destroy the man he loved. Castiel had known for eight months that he was going to die. Eight months was a damn long time to spend alone with your thoughts, and the inevitably of death. It would drive any good man insane. Dean wondered how Castiel actually managed it; Maybe because he was an Angel, he does not fear death as much or the aspects of dying and that only hurt Dean more because this proves that Castiel is not suit for being a human and the only thing he was suit for, had been torn away from him forcefully.

"I-I..." Castiel couldn't come up with a good enough answer, his brain kept searching for the answer but he already knew what the answer was; He was just scared of being ignored and hurt even more. He didn't want to admit it but he was scared of contacting anyone he knew purely because he convinced himself that no one was ever going to show up, that he was going to die alone so he just told himself that they wouldn't come when he called, that's why he was so shocked to see Dean right now. "I don't know..." He admitted weakly, going back to the tedious task of twiddling his thin fingers. "It's okay if you don't want to stay here... You can forget about this you know? Forget you even came here, forget about me..." Castiel advised, he had been quite depressed for the past couple of months but he supposed that that was normal. The depression was one part Cancer and two parts loneliness because the only people he could talk to were the variety of nurses and doctors that came in to check on him but they got boring because they could never stay. Watching television was boring too, Castiel never thought that it was too significant and relied more on the outdoors for entertainment, another reason he watched the garden out of his window.

Dean shook his head violently. The thought of Castiel being alone as he was slowly dying hurt him and he blamed himself for never getting back into contact with him. He tried to brush his tears away with the sleeves of his jacket. "Cas, I could never ever forget you, even if I wanted to." He suddenly leaned forward, his hand desperately searching for Castiel's, tugging it out from beneath the sheets and holding is firmly in both of his hands. He traced his knuckles, trying to ignore how the bone jarred out from the skin, stretching it thin and blue. "I'm not going to leave you." He sighed, bringing his and Cas' entwined hands up to his face, resting his forehead against them in an effort to conceal his tears. "I will stay with you."

Castiel couldn't avoid the tears that were swimming in his vision and silently falling down his thin and jaunt face. He didn't quite know what else to say except the one thing that was racing through his head, making a difference from all the other things that he had been thinking of just previously. "Thank you... for coming, I mean." Castiel said and noticed how Dean didn't move. Castiel continued to look at Dean, take in every detail because he had noticed that Dean was different compared to the last time he had seen him. He was stronger, braver, smarter than the man he was best friends with just years before. Dean had never been a crier but only on some occasions, the occasions that he would never forget because they would remain in his heart for the rest of his days. It only made Castiel feel a tiny bit of regret, calling Dean to him because he didn’t want to hurt Dean, never had he wanted to do that and it hurt him to see Dean like this but he knew that at the same time, he was glad that Dean could be here, so that he could see the man he rescued from Hell all those years ago, in front of him, alive and well. After a few moments, Castiel laid his hand down, noticing how Dean's face was tear-streaked and his heart tugged painfully in his chest at the sight. Castiel didn’t want this whole ‘goodbye’ thing to be like this. Never like this. Castiel cupped Dean's face with a hand with an IV on the back of it and he leaned forward, letting his lips softly touch the other man's, hands still connected.

Dean gasped as his lips came into contact with Cas'. An array of emotions exploded inside him because he was finally, finally, doing something he had been thinking or imagining of doing for all these years. The kiss wasn’t just touch; it was a key, unlocking all the memories between them, all the good times they spent together, all the bad times, all the times in purgatory. Every touch, every spoken word, every look, was unlocked and it shocked the both of them but that only made Dean lean into the kiss properly, experiencing it because he didn’t have a lot of time to experience more with Castiel. He finally let out the whimper that had been building in his chest, his eyes clenching tight and a silent but heavy tear rolling down his cheek. He could taste the saltiness of their tears between their lips. His own hand flew up to cup Castiel's to his face, feeling the IV on the back, flinching at the thought of it but nonetheless pulling him closer. "I'm sorry." He choked between kisses. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He felt his own world tearing a little because despite being in the hunting world, despite have friends and family that were dead or dying all around them, this was the worst, he couldn’t let Castiel go, wouldn’t let him go.  
Castiel couldn't handle this. He couldn't take the amount of pressure of the emotions he had been feeling in his chest for the past couple of months. The pressure consisted of anger, sadness, disappointment, regret and unhappiness and it made Castiel feel absolutely worthless. Castiel felt bad for letting Dean be sad because of him and when he heard the dry and quiet sob come from the older Winchester’s mouth, it broke Castiel because Castiel had never seen Dean like this; Never seen him so heartbroken. Castiel let the tears stream silently as he gave one more kiss and then sobbed, head leaning on Dean's head as he did so, eyes closed, letting the tears drip from his face. "I-I'm sorry t-too!" Castiel stuttered, a silent scream stuck in his throat from all the emotions he had been building up since he heard the news, a scream of desperation but it was all lost in Castiel's throat. Ever since he got told the news, that he had a death sentence on him, that he was going to grow weaker and weaker till his body couldn’t take it anymore, till his body would give up. Ever since that moment, he has kept all the emotions locked in him, he promised himself he would be strong, brave, just like he would if he was an Angel. Now though, he has let himself become weak and hurt and damaged just in time for Dean to be here but then that made Castiel think, Dean has made him the most human he has ever been, even if he has been one for 3 years and even as he was an Angel.

Dean could feel his hands start to tremor again, a sign that he was nervous, scared, something that didn’t happen too often.. He cupped Castiel's face tighter, hoping the contact would somehow steady him. It ripped a hole in his chest to hear Cas sob, to hear him apologize when he had done nothing wrong. He opened his eyes, thumb grazing across Castiel's cheeks, brushing away the tears that were now flowing steadily. "Shh" He hushed, not sure if it was directed to himself, or Castiel. "Shh, it's okay." He lied. It was never going to be okay, Dean had promptly had his heart torn because of what was happening, he couldn’t stand to see Castiel, so weak, so different, so human because that was not what he was. He wasn’t human, he wasn’t designed to be human and Castiel couldn’t take it. 

"It's not okay..." Castiel whispered quietly. "I d-don't want to leave you.." He choked. Castiel opened his eyes and looked into Dean's eyes and suddenly, despite everything, the hospital, the disappearance, the friendship, the deaths, the illnesses, the supernatural world, he gave a little smile to Dean, almost as if to silently say, 'Hey, it's going to be okay. Everything will be fine.' Because he had to be strong for Dean, had to be okay for him because what else was there to do? Lie down and die? No, that wouldn’t happen, he had to tell Dean that he was going to be alright, tell Dean that everything would be okay, lie to him because that was the only thing they could do. But then fate turned on Castiel and he moaned as a familiar stabbing pain spiked from in his stomach. "Gnahh." Castiel moaned; his hand that was on Dean's face then wrapped around his mid-section and he leaned his head on Dean’s, trying to curl up as much as he could from his position. His eyes squeezed shut, trying to block out the pain as it radiated around his body. He hated how fast the pains came but it was almost normal for him, if not a daily thing.

"Cas -" Dean gasped, his hands fluttering uselessly over the fallen angel's chest as he gently guided Castiel down to lie on his side where he watched as Castiel tucked his knees up, curling into a ball. A small heap of literal skin and bones, laying on the bed. The picture made his heart beat a little faster in fear. "Cas?" He kept one hand on Castiel's face, rubbing his forehead soothingly, the other brushing over his arm that was wrapped around his mid-section where the pain seemed to be coming from. He hated it - seeing Cas in so much pain and being so helpless. Dean Winchester had never been as vulnerable as he was in that moment. "Cas, what's happening? What do you - tell me what I can do." Dean gasped, panic swelling in his gut, as he witnessed a once almighty and fearless Angel, curl up in pain on a white hospital bed.

"Get the -..." Castiel tried to say, yelling a little into his pillow as another wave of pain came across him and Liz, Castiel's main nurse, heard as she passed the room from outside. She came into Castiel's room, walking quickly. "Alright Castiel, you know the drill. Just breathe nice and steady." She said soothingly as she went over to a tray and picked up a needle already filled with a clear liquid and injected into a tube that was connected to the port. "Keep breathing steadily, good job. What is it this time?" Liz asked, using terms Dean wouldn't understand just quite yet. "S-seven." Castiel whimpered and felt the cold mixture of morphine go into his body to be circulated around his body by his heart immediately. "There we go, all done. You know what to do. Get some sleep and then you'll be feeling fine." Liz instructed as she stayed and monitored Castiel for a while, going through his notes on the end of his bed and writing some new information in it. Castiel hadn’t even seen the notes yet and they were on his bed, he just didn’t care really. This had started to become pretty routine thing now and Castiel understood what he had to do, he had done it time and time again, he knew he would have to explain it to Dean as well.

Dean's heart was racing as he watched the nurse doze Castiel up with medicine. He couldn't help the thought that arose instantly in his mind: 'What if this was it? What if Cas died, right here, in his arms?' It took all his will power to push the thought away but it still lingered for a moment too long. As the nurse gave Castiel the drugs and he writhed in pain, Dean held his hand, rubbing it gently, soothingly, reminding him that he was here, that he wasn’t alone this time. He was thankful that he could at least do that much but he still wanted to do so much more for him. He decided in that moment that - if nothing else - Dean would ensure he remained Cas' company and support for the rest of his short life.  
Castiel moaned in pain for another couple of minutes before he started to relax as the medication coursed through his body. "S-sorry." He managed to say weakly. "Thanks Liz." Castiel said, not even looking at the nurse and she nodded as she headed out. "Sometimes... I get cramps and they... they have to give me medication and I have to... Have to say how painful it is on a scale of one- to -ten. Normally... this medication makes me sleepy..." Castiel said and right on cue, he yawned a little. "And I always have a nap after..." Castiel said as he looked up to Dean with tired eyes. "Stay with me?" He asked and shivered. He didn’t want to be alone, that was the whole reason of calling up Dean, he just needed someone there, to talk to, to be held with. It was such a relief to have him here but he knew that Dean was worrying, naturally but he also knew that Dean was not accustomed to this. Dean would normally see an Angel that did not succumb to pain, was not underweight and weak but strong. It would be difficult for Dean to get used to.

Dean was grateful when Castiel explained what was going on. He wanted to understand Castiel's pain as best he could so that he could maybe understand and help a little more than he just did. "It's okay." Dean hushed, as Cas' eyelids began to droop. He continued to trace delicate patterns across the man's forehead. "It's okay." He examined Castiel's bed - it was narrow but he established there was room for two. "I'm not going to leave you." He stood up, sliding gently on to the mattress beside Cas, pulling the sheet so it covered both their bodies. If Castiel was his normal weight, wearing muscles and fat, then the bed would not be big enough for the both of them but because Castiel was so skeletal, it worked and it made Dean uncomfortable to realize how much weight the ex-angel had lost. "I'm not going to leave you." He squeezed his hand gently, reassuringly, reassuring himself in the process.

Castiel leaned on Dean's chest, trying to get as close to the warmth as possible. He smelled Dean's scent, the usual, leather and dirt. It reminded Castiel strangely of home and all the times where he was healthy and an angel. He heard Dean's soothing words as they floated gracefully in his ear but he was too tired to even respond and he was pretty sure it was the medication talking but then again, he knew he had some control over it. "I-I love you..." He murmured unknowingly into Dean's chest as he fell asleep in Dean's arms, quietly and peacefully, the pain in his stomach forgotten and dulling away to a gentle throb.

"I love you too, Cas." Dean breathed, despite knowing the man had already drifted off to sleep. His lips brushed softly against Castiel's hair as he spoke. He planted a lingering kiss on his forehead, resting in closer to him, trying to bring some warmth to his cold and fragile body. Beneath the sheets, cradled to closely to him, Dean could feel how truly breakable Cas was. Dean pulled the sheets tighter around their bodies, closing his eyes, he waited for sleep to finally take him also.


	3. Sick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel fell from Heaven. He met up with the Winchester boys but then he did something no one thought he was capable of doing. He moved away, away from the Winchesters, away from the Supernatural life and away from everything. He started a new life.  
> 3 years later and his new life isn't going as good as he thought it would so he calls up Dean, asks him to come over because right now he is in the hospital, dying, from the most human illness: Cancer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! The third chapter! Lovely roleplay completed by me and the Fanfiction.Net user, ameliaa-holmes. Yes, we have completed it but I am going through the tedious task of cleaning it up and putting more of the story in and such and it takes a while to be honest. Anyway, I hope you like this one! Thank you for all the kudos and subscriptions!~

Castiel had his normal nightmares again tonight, the ones where he was going to die alone, the ones where he was in pain, writhing around in his bed then nothing - for the rest of eternity. He dreamt that the angels wouldn’t let him back in Heaven and that scared Castiel because Heaven was his home. So Castiel awoke with a start, his heart beating abnormally fast and he jumped when he realized that he wasn’t just lying on the big empty bed but rather lying on someone’s chest. He looked up and found Dean's face close to his and he suddenly forgot about the cancer, the disease that was killing him from the inside and he just thought of Dean; what an amazing human being that Dean was and how much he loved him, he still wasn’t sure of what he had said last night but he didn’t want to bring it up and make everything awkward. He was torn from his thoughts when the skin around his IV started to feel itchy like it usually did. 

Dean smiled when he saw Castiel stir drowsily from his sleep. "Hey..." he breathed, the brief normality of the moment overcoming him. It all seemed too casual, too right. As if they were waking up to find themselves together in Dean's bed in the bunker. But instead, the fragility of Cas' skin, the tubes prodding out of him and the beeping of the machines he was connected to, lay an unfortunate reminder of reality. He would do so much to be able to wake up with Castiel in his arms, all healthy and smiling but he knew he was too late for that and it was only because he didn’t stop Castiel from walking out all those years ago. Dean bit his lip, deciding he'd rather hold on to his fantasy of normality a bit longer. "How did you sleep?" He asked, realizing his hand was still rested in Cas'. He hadn’t even realized that. Had they slept hand in hand the whole time?

"I had another nightmare..." Castiel mumbled, burying his head into the crook of Dean's neck. "A nightmare in which I was going to die alone... and in pain. I have them quite frequently." Castiel shivered despite being warm from the heat being emanated from Dean’s body. "I hate them." He stated and that was right, he did hate them, they made him feel cold, alone, unwanted and afraid of death. It was the only time where he was afraid of death and now that Dean was here, it made him feel even more scared of getting too attached to Dean and leaving him too. "But you're here, and that makes me happy." Castiel said, a ghost of a smile tinting his lips because Dean did make him happy, Dean made him the happiest he had been ever since he arrived.

The concept of Castiel dying and all was still new to Dean. When he had been an angel, Dean had grown to accept the fact he would die long before Castiel did. Even when he fell, his death seemed distant and irrelevant. But now, with the almost confirmation of his death date all but marked out, the concept frightened Dean beyond belief. This only made Dean regret not finding Castiel earlier, not actually bothering to keep contact with him because now there was an hourglass of sand, sifting through the centre, and once all the sand is gone from the top, that would mark the end for Castiel and Dean wished he could turn the hourglass upside down. He traced his fingers through Cas' hair. "You're not going to die alone." He promised. Because that was the only thing he felt capable of promising. As to whether his death would be painful, Dean could promise nothing. "You're never going to be alone. I will be with you all the way Cas."

All Castiel could do was nod in Dean’s chest, his cheek was warm from Dean’s body heat compared to the rest of his body. "T-Thank you for being with me Dean... because you don't have to you know?" He asked and then waited a moment before chuckling weakly. "How did we get to not seeing each other for a couple of years to cuddling in the same bed together in the space of a few hours…?” Castiel's chuckled then died. "Oh yeah... Cancer." He then sat up, it took a while with all the tubes attached to his body making him being mindful of how far his body moved or turned because he didn’t want to have to put the various wires back onto him. He looked around. "What time is it?" He asked, noticing the sun streaming in through the window.

Dean frowned; hating that Cas thought the cancer played even the slightest role in the development of their relationship. "The cancer may have changed some things." He spoke, sitting up with Castiel as he asked about the time. "But this -" he drew Cas' attention back to him by moving their entwined hands and pressing them firmly against his own chest, feeling his heart beat steady beneath the skin and muscle, "It hasn't changed this Cas. The feelings and emotions have always been here." He realzed how cheesy the moment was and dropped Cas' hand. He looked down at his watch on his wrist. "It's just past midday. Why?"

Castiel looked at Dean but didn’t look at a friend, looked at a person he loved, though he would never tell him that but Castiel visibly sagged at what Dean said. "It's almost feeding time. I hate this part of the day." Castiel whimpered. And true to his word, a different nurse came in this time with a tray of multiple small meals. "Alright Castiel, you've got a nice ham sandwich here, tomato soup and your favourite, lime jelly." The nurse, Jessica from her badge, said as she replaced the old food on the outstretched tray attached to the bed with the new food, the old food being dropped into the bin in the corner of the room. Jessica was a nice nurse, she had started about 3 months ago and she normally brought in Castiel’s food. Although he hated It when she brought in the food, she was a nice girl to talk to and could certainly help the time pass.

Dean felt a sense of disgust when the nurse came in. He hated it, how she spoke to Castiel like he was mentally, not physically, ill. He wasn't a five year old - in fact, he was damn older than the nurse could even fathom. Dean scooted off the bed when she came in, allowing Cas more room to eat. The nurse left and Dean looked at Castiel, who was looking down at his meal with an expression of revolt. "What's wrong?" Dean asked, his eyes flicking between Cas and the food that rested on the tray, just over Castiel’s lap.

"Food makes me throw up more." Castiel clearly stated but nevertheless, picked up the spoon and started slurping at the tomato soup slowly. After a few sips of the soup, he moved onto the sandwich, taking small but steady bites of it. The ham was fresh on his tongue and the salad was a good mix to it, the mayonnaise promised a different flavour to it on the whole and Castiel enjoyed it. He thought that hospital food was bad when he first came in but he had no choice but to get used to it and it seemed to be decent now. Castiel kept going and was surprised at how much he could eat this time without throwing up already. Maybe he could eat the whole meal without it having no purpose this time? He had surprisingly finished the small sandwich now and had just moved on to the soup again when he felt his stomach do what it did best for him, it started churning uncomfortably and Castiel visibly paled, staring straight ahead as he tried to breathe through his nose.

"Cas?" Dean stood up as Cas' face twisted and turned white. The fallen angel waved furiously towards a white bucket on his bedside that was obviously for such moments as this. Dean rushed to get it, moving Cas' food to the side and holding the bucket under his chin. As soon as the bucket was under him, Castiel was vomiting and gagging. It was horrible - the noises - and more so, seeing him in so much discomfort. Dean held the bucket for him, his spare hand coming up to trace soothing circles on Cas' back as he gagged and chucked up what he had just eaten, the food coming up in mostly solid chunks since it hadn’t been digested properly.

Castiel chucked everything back up. Every little thing he just ate was gone to waste, apart from the jelly because the jelly was pretty much the only thing he could eat and not throw up so he left that last, till after the vomiting. He painfully retched into the bucket and with every little heave, pain flared from his chest and midsection. Castiel moaned and retched one more time into the bucket before leaning back onto his bed, panting a little and sweating. His chest and stomach were uncomfortable, a dull ache spreading over them, and his mouth was ridden with the taste of vomit but that was everyday life for Castiel now, he was used to it. A nurse appeared in the door, the same one, Jessica. She must have been hanging around because she knew what would happen and she took the bucket from Dean, going outside to clean up the bucket like she normally did, then coming back to help Castiel.

The nurse came in, taking the bucket from Dean's hands. He felt helpless as he watched her retrieve a clean cloth and gently wipe down Castiel's mouth with it. She filled him up a glass of water, holding it to his lips and trying to get him to sip it. "Here," Dean said, reaching forward to take the glass, "I can do that. Thanks." He nodded as the nurse departed with a warm smile. Dean rested the glass on Castiel's lips, tilting it slightly so the water trickled gently into his mouth. They didn't talk. Silence filled the room. Dean was thankful - it was better than the sound of Cas' whimpers and gags.

Castiel coughed a little after taking the water which made his chest feel tighter. "Sorry about that..." Castiel said. "Not a pretty sight... but... it is pretty normal for me." Castiel stated and reached out for the cup of jelly, knowing that it could make him feel a little better. He gave Dean a look and tried to assure him that he, himself, was fine. He felt better now that he had expelled everything nasty from in his stomach.

"Please, don't apologize." Again, it hurt Dean to see how normal the situation was for Cas - how casually he spoke about it. How had it come to this? The ultimate war between good and bad - heaven and hell, the angels and the demons - and now this. A battle being surrendered to cancer. Dean passed Castiel the jelly. He allowed the fallen angel to open it and eat it himself, knowing he was perfectly capable of it and if he could say so, he looked a little better as colour ran into his face again, making Dean calm down a little.

Castiel contently ate his jelly, played around with it too, making the gelatinous matter wiggle. He had always appreciated the way jelly moved and would always play around with it, partly why it was one of his best treats, adding to the fact that they make him feel better after a particularly bad vouching of vomiting. He finished it soon enough and found the usual bin in the corner of the room, aiming the empty cup and shooting. The cup flew straight into the bin, not even hitting the corners and Castiel smiled at the only victory he'll get because he wasn't going to win the illness. "Practice makes perfect." Castiel smiled a little, he had gotten used to doing that. At the start of his hospital stay, he always seemed to miss it as it was quite far away and he would have to stand up and get it but now he couldn’t even stand up without the use of someone’s help.

Dean chuckled, grinning down at Cas. His grin faltered however as he realized that an effort like that would have to take a lot of practice, how much had Castiel practiced? How long had he been practicing for? "That was quite impressive." He remarked however, sitting back down in the chair beside his bed. For the first time, his gaze fell upon the large window that provided an almost panoramic view of the garden, where people conversed and went about their daily business. "It's beautiful..." Dean breathed, noticing that Castiel had followed his gaze and was now looking out the window too.

"Yes... it is." Castiel said, once again, looking out of the window, watching the busy life out there. Usually there was an old couple sat on the bench outside, holding hands and smiling. The man’s wife was obviously very ill, she wore a nose canula, giving her more oxygen and her face was a pale white but every time Castiel saw them two, she would always be smiling. They would sit, hand in hand, watching the people and the birds in the garden, appreciating everything they had but today was different and it hurt Castiel to see the man – sat alone, some flowers in his hands. Instead of smiling or laughing, he was looking at the ground, a sullen look on his face and Castiel knew what happened but didn’t decide to comment on it. "It's what I do every day, just look out there and watch people. Reminds me of when I was an angel and I would do the same thing, watch over civilisation if I wasn’t busy in war." Castiel said, moving his hand over to Dean hoping that Dean would hold it. He needed to be connected with Dean, physically.

Dean felt tears well in his eyes again at the thought of it. An angel - who once watched over humanity itself - now sat, defeated by a human illness; it's only pleasure coming from watching a handful of humanity converse in a small hospital garden. He scooped his frail hand up in both of his, resting it to his lips as he gazed out the window, trying to hold back the tears. "I've always been envious of the way you see things Cas. You seem to find beauty in even the worst case of destruction." Himself, for instance, he thought sadly.  
"It's because you look at things the wrong way. Everything is beautiful, even the act of destruction itself. Destruction is a beautiful thing because it gets replaced with love and kindness and help." Castiel tried to explain. "Like you for instance… " Castiel said. "You've been to Hell, to purgatory and places such like that that have destroyed you in the inside but you took that destruction and transformed it to be a part of you and that makes you beautiful."

Ironically, Dean had never heard Castiel speak so beautifully. His words - so poetic - had a truth buried in them that stung Dean a bit to realize. The hunter was completely lost for words, loving more than anything how Castiel could see so deep into his soul, even as a human. He unfolded Cas' hand in his, pressing a lingering kiss to his exposed palm. "You are so beautiful..." he whispered.

"Not like you.... your soul... it shines so bright you know? Well, the last time I saw it anyway but I’m pretty sure it still glows as bright. All the people whose lives you have saved and all the ones you couldn’t save, they leave a mark. Those marks show in your soul like age lines on a face but that’s what makes you so different and unique. Your soul has so many lines but it shines so bright, it shows how innocent you are in the hunting world." Castiel admitted and for a moment, he just thought of what Dean’s soul must be like now, maybe just as bright. "Dean you must be hungry, there's a cafeteria around here. You should get yourself some food."

Dean didn't want to say anything but he didn't, and couldn't, believe Castiel. He was a broken soul. Maybe Cas just couldn't see that in the same way that he could. He shook his head, he was hungry but he didn't say so, he didn’t want to leave Castiel. "I don't want to leave you." He knew it sounded clingy but he wanted to spend all the time he possibly could, with Castiel, seeing how Castiel already looked two doors away from death.

Castiel scoffed. "I'm never alone Dean, really. The nurses never leave me alone, they always like chatting to me and I've been referred to as their best patient." Castiel chuckled and looked down. "I know almost all their names, apart from the new nurse that just started here. She’s nice, shy at first but I think she has settled down here nicely. I heard she just recently married…" Castiel said but realized that he was blabbering. "Sorry, anyway, I'm sure Sam will be wondering where you have gone if you still hunt with him." Castiel said and then frowned at what he said, of course Dean still hunts with Sam, you could never separate the two brothers. 

"Of course I still hunt with him." Dean replied, realising Castiel was right - his brother was probably worried about him as he hadn't exactly provided the best explanation for why he was leaving. You could never be so sure about what has happened to your brother when you’re smack bang in the middle of the supernatural world where literally everything wants to kill you. He'd just said it was "important" and left pretty abruptly after that so he supposed that he had to at least call Sam. "I guess you're right." Dean sighed, going to stand up. He'd make sure he was only gone for a short time. "You sure you'll be okay?" He asked, he had to make sure, he didn’t want Castiel to be feeling ill when no one was around him but that made Dean wonder about what would happen before Dean even came here.

"Yeah," Castiel smiled. "Seriously, get something to eat as well, I don’t want to be responsible for your death!" Castiel said as Dean exited the room. He chuckled a little at his own joke and turned his head to watch the view outside again. The man was still there and after a few moments, he stood up, placed the flowers in the corner of the garden, making sure they were neat and Castiel saw the man raise a hand and rub at his face, probably wiping some stray tears. Then Castiel watched as the man grabbed his walking cane and walked away for the garden, most likely never going back to this hospital until it was his time. It saddened Castiel to know that that man could be Dean in a few weeks, saying his goodbyes to him and Castiel hoped that he could go back into heaven.


	4. Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel fell from Heaven. He met up with the Winchester boys but then he did something no one thought he was capable of doing. He moved away, away from the Winchesters, away from the Supernatural life and away from everything. He started a new life.  
> 3 years later and his new life isn't going as good as he thought it would so he calls up Dean, asks him to come over because right now he is in the hospital, dying, from the most human illness: Cancer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is also available on Fanfiction.Net for the lovely friend who helped me create this, ameliaa-holmes. I hope you have all had an absolutely amazing Christmas! PLease have an awesome (and safe!) New Years too. Don't drink and drive people. Anyway, another chapter up! Enjoy!~

Dean made his way to the cafeteria, buying himself a pie and sitting down to call Sam. He reached his voice mail - he was obviously still out on a hunt which Dean disapproved but over the years, he had learnt how to let Sam be more independent because he wasn’t a child now, he could do his own things and whilst Dean still felt protective a lot of the time, he gave Sam some space to do his own hunts from time to time. "Hey Sammy, it's me. I, ah, just wanted to tell you that I'm at the hospital. It's Castiel, Sam. He's sick… He's dying." A lump formed in his throat, he coughed it out. "I'm going to be staying with him for a while. Uh - call me when you get this." He hung up and started to eat his pie in silence, not enjoying the taste as much as he usually did considering all the things happening around him. Being alone gave him a chance to think more about what was going to happen in the future like if Castiel was going to have a funeral, if he was going to be farewelled, if anyone else he may of knew were going to go to the funeral or if anyone even remembered Castiel. He shook his head, he couldn’t think of Castiel dying right now, it wasn’t fair.

Castiel sighed and looked around the room until he spotted Dean's favourite leather jacket on the chair next to his bed, he smiled a little when he remembered that Dean had that even when Castiel had left them, three years ago. With thin hands, he reached out for it and grabbed it. He immediately brought it close to him, feeling the warmth of the jacket and smelling Dean's scent, it was exactly the same and he hugged it a little, smiling at all the good memories that Dean, himself and this jacket had. Then, Castiel saw something in the inside pocket of Dean's jacket and pulled it out. It was a small folded piece of paper and when Castiel unfolded it, tears sprung to his eyes immediately and his chest constricted. It was a picture of him, wearing the old clothes that he used to when he was an angel, complete with the trench coat. Those clothes were binned a long time ago and it made Castiel tremendously sad all of a sudden because Dean had never forgotten him like Castiel once thought, Dean had always brought Castiel around with him. Dean cared for Castiel so much more than Castiel brought on and Castiel could imagine that whenever Dean was injured or maybe even close to death from a hunt, he would take out this photo and farewell him as if Castiel was there.

Dean walked back into the room, expecting to find Castiel sleeping again, it was something he did quite a lot, probably because his human body was working so hard to make itself better; not knowing that it couldn’t get better. Instead, he noticed that his leather jacket was draped over the fallen angel's lap and in his hand he held the small photograph Dean carried with him everywhere he went. It was his reminder of better times. A lump caught in Dean's throat. He walked over, resting his hand on the photograph, trying to pry it from Castiel's grip. "Let it go." He breathed - not sure if he was referring to the photo, or to the past.

Castiel didn’t take his eyes off the photograph and he almost jumped when a pair of warm hands brushed against his to try and retrieve it. Castiel was frozen from all the different emotions bombarding inside of him. Most of them being shock and fear off letting go, fear of dying and leaving Dean all alone because this made him realize how much he meant to Dean and it broke his heart; he didn’t think he meant that much. Tears fell silently onto Castiel's lap and he barely recognized the fact that his breathing was getting quicker, he couldn’t control it anymore. He didn’t even recognize what Dean said because he was too concentrated on the photo. He didn't know that Dean missed him; he didn’t know that Dean even thought of him after he had left him and now it was all crashing down on him.

"Let it go." Dean repeated, louder- this time, he was sure he was talking about the emotions, not the photo. He sat down on the bed, brushing his thumb under Castiel's eyes, trying to brush away the tears. Trying to brush away his sadness. Trying desperately to brush away Castiel's fear of the inevitable. He tried to tug at the photo once more, his other hand running soothingly along Cas' cheek. "Let it go." He hushed. “Please… Cas.” Dean felt like he was begging because he didn’t know how hard it was for Castiel to just obey him. He didn’t know what it was like being in his exact position and he felt so utterly bad for him, it broke his own heart.

Castiel slowly looked at Dean, the touch of Dean's hand once again bringing him back a little and he felt it hard to control his own hands that were holding the photo. His chest constricted and he thought that if he could let go, he could be able to control his breathing which was still coming a bit too fast now. He let go suddenly, his hands slightly sore now from being strained, it made him realise how tight he was holding the photo, and his gaze cut away from the photo and rested onto Dean's eyes but his uncontrolled breathing didn’t change and the tears kept falling continually down his cheek, rediscovering the broken tear tracks that were wiped away from the gentle brush of Dean’s thumb. "I-I didn't... I-I'm sorry..." he managed to say, shaking a little. He guessed he was apologizing for the way that he was going to leave him soon, he didn’t want Dean to become hurt. He suddenly regretted calling Dean to come to him.

Dean finally plied the photograph from Castiel's skeleton fingers, sliding it back in to his pocket. "Shh." He soothed, his eyes never leaving Castiel’s. "It's okay. It's alright." His hands flew up to cup Castiel's face, to somehow stop him from trembling, to somehow keep him in the present. He bent down; kissing away the tears that had trickled down his cheeks, almost as if he could kiss the regret, pain, terror and fear away, knowing that in reality, nothing would change. 

Castiel brought his hands up to lightly encircle Dean's wrist and he looked into Dean's eyes which brought in a wave of calm. "I don’t want to leave you... You'll be hurt... why do you have a photo of me?" Castiel asked, his voice trembling. He struggled to keep it straight and he tried to seem like he wasn’t weak, wasn’t crying, wasn’t hurting deep inside, mentally as well as physically. He felt like he was begging for the answer, any answer at all to calm his nerves.

Dean didn't have a reply for Castiel's first remarks. Because truthfully, he didn't want Cas to leave either. He couldn't imagine the pain it would cause him, how the guilt and the loss would tear him apart completely. In fact, he didn't imagine himself living much longer once Castiel was gone because Castiel was his rock, the sole thing keeping him sane. Dean only had an answer for Cas' last question, and it was a simple answer. "Because I never wanted us to be apart." He said simply, heart breaking off, piece by small piece with every tear that dripped from Cas’ blue eyes.

That statement made Castiel crumble as he held onto Dean's wrist like he was holding on to his own life. His chest heaved whenever he took a breath and his stomach was started to twist uncomfortably. Castiel was working himself up but he couldn't help it. He didn’t want Dean to go through the pain of losing him and he had been stupid, so stupid because he didn’t realize how much Dean felt for him. The tears flew faster, a reminder of what was to come, the tears of Castiel would soon be the tears of Dean and Cas didn’t want that, he never wanted any of that. What did he do to deserve this? "B-Bucket..." Castiel managed to say when his stomach started to jump around inside of him, a feeling that was way too familiar to him.

Dean reached for the bucket that was on the corner end of Cas’ bed and held it quickly under Cas' chin - the movement a routine now. His heart was tearing in two, slowly. To watch Castiel become so distraught at the idea that Dean loved him - had always loved him - and had missed him like words could not describe. Dean's wrist was still clasped tightly between Castiel's fingers. He didn't pull away - just let the man hold on to him as he shivered, the emotions overcoming his body and he caved over the bucket, gagging.  
Castiel still sobbed as he gagged; only managing to spit out some bile as he didn’t have much in his stomach to vomit anymore, hence why he had lost so much weight; his body was just not getting keeping anything in. The gagging and the harsh crying set his midsection on fire, a tell-tale sign that he had been worked up too much and Castiel knew that he would have to calm down soon to avoid getting a morphine shot once again. Once he felt done with gagging and retching he weakly leaned back onto the bed, calming down slightly and not looking away from Dean's face. He finally let go of Dean’s wrist, feeling bad for a millisecond if he had hurt Dean from how tight he had hung onto him, he hoped it served as a message that he didn’t want to leave Dean, not now, not ever.

Dean stroked his forehead as he lay back down, sitting the bucket to the side. To think that it had been his fault - his photo - that had caused Cas to erupt into this fit of pain just about broke Dean. "It's okay." He soothed. "You're okay." He continued to brush his fingers across the top of his head. It was something he had done to Sammy when they were younger and their father had gone on a hunt and he couldn't sleep. He tried to calm Castiel, tried to ease his pain by making him focus on the simple touch on his temple. It seemed to work, so he kept doing it. It reminded him of how he was never going to be comforted by Cas though.

Castiel just hiccupped a bit and was determined to get some sleep so that the annoying ache in his stomach could go away. He focussed on the light touch and breathing of Dean and laced his fingers through the fingers of Dean's other hand, allowing his breathing to return back to normal - finally. But his eyes stung from the tears that had fallen and he sniffled. Castiel closed his eyes and was supposed to open them but tiredness and wariness came over him like a tidal wave and he eventually fell into a deep sleep, still lightly holding Dean’s hand. "It would be hard for you-" Liz said quietly as she entered the room just 5 minutes after Castiel had fallen asleep. She collected the bucket and put it back to the corner of the end of the bed, thinking that Castiel could use it soon. "-to see him like this."

Dean turned, a bit shocked when he heard someone else in the room. His eyes flicked to the nurse and then back to his and Cas' entwined hands on the bed. "Cas has always seemed like the invincible type." He sighed, his hand was still rested on Castiel's forehead, though he'd stopped tracing patterns on his skin when the fallen angel had dosed off. "He's always been so strong. So determined. Always a soldier." Dean looked over Cas' body, now frail and still on the hospital bed – almost like he was dead but the gentle rise and fall of his chest soothed Dean that he was wrong. A lump formed in his throat and he choked off, unable to continue.

Liz picked up the chart that recorded Castiel's health and looked at it sadly. "Well... the time is going to come soon as much as I hate to say it, the doctors may say 9 months but that’s only the absolute limit, chances are, he’ll go before then… I could give you some tips on what to do for when the time comes? It would be helpful – It would calm him and remind him that you’re there for him." Liz asked Dean softly, looking at him sympathetically. She had seen these type of situations happen to her before, the family being heartbroken by a death but this time she could help them, this time she could give them advice; hopefully make it easier for Dean. Although no death is easy to come over, it would give the griever some peace of mind knowing that their family member or someone close to them died peacefully, in their hold and listening to their own words.

Dean hated it. He hated being in a goddamn hospital. Hospitals just reminded him about all the injuries he and Sam had gone through over the years, all the pain, loss and death coming back to bite him. He hated the nurse being there. He hated how she talked so calmly about death - about Cas' death, like it was simple, factual. She had probably gone through so many other patient deaths that she simply couldn’t be bothered about one of her patients dying, it angered him. He slumped his head, feeling weak and hating everything. Regardless, he nodded. "Alright." He swallowed hard, knowing that the next things to come out of the nurses mouth was going to affect him.

"He will get more and more confused the closer he gets to it… The hearing is the last sense to be lost, whatever you do, just keep talking to him, he will recognize it's you and it'll make things peaceful for him. Maybe even hold him close to you, so that he can feel and smell you – Almost like a newborn." She said softly. "If he is in pain or feels it, that means he is not close to it but if everything starts to feel the pain being numb or muted for him then... It might be his time to go." She said solemnly and then put the board back on the end of the bed, looking up to Dean. “I’m sorry about this – I really am.”

Dean absorbed the nurse's words as best he could manage. It pained him to hear them. To truly realize what the close future held for him. For Cas. He nodded, feeling tears prick at the back of his eyes, his emotions betraying him. "Ah -" he choked, "- thanks, I'd like to be alone for a minute." He managed to say before the tears began to pour from his eyes. He heard the nurse leave and let out a small whimper of a sob. His head caved, his stomach twisted and dropped and he began to cry steadily - the first time he had cried properly for years. He loved Castiel, he really did. Cas didn’t deserve this.


	5. Helpless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel fell from Heaven. He met up with the Winchester boys but then he did something no one thought he was capable of doing. He moved away, away from the Winchesters, away from the Supernatural life and away from everything. He started a new life.  
> 3 years later and his new life isn’t going as good as he thought it would so he calls up Dean, asks him to come over because right now he is in the hospital, dying, from the most human illness: Cancer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope everyone has had a brilliant and safe New Year! I hope everyone has a great 2014. Thanks to the Fanfiction.Net user ameliaa-holmes for this awesome fic that you have decided to write with me! I hope you all enjoy this chapter~

Castiel whimpered a little from another nightmare, he tossed and turned a little but he woke up softly to see Dean cross-armed on the bed, his head laying on them, obscuring his face. The quiet and normal breathing of Dean showed Castiel that Dean was sleeping or close to it and he craned his neck to check what the time was on Dean's watch. It was 6am in the morning and he had been asleep for ages but never the less, his and Dean's hands where still encased together and that comforted Castiel. "Damn it," Castiel groaned not even 5 minutes after waking up. He needed to use the bathroom but he didn't want to wake Dean, he knew Dean needed to have his rest as he had been so busy and worked up in trying to keep Castiel’s needs sated.

Dean gently stirred from his sleep when he felt the surface beneath him move - Castiel squirmed beneath his head and his hand was no longer in his. He lifted his head, his eyes heavy and swollen from crying himself to sleep. It took a moment for his vision to focus and he squinted at Castiel. Castiel looked like he was in discomfort, something that Dean had grown quite used to when spending his time with Castiel and it normally meant that Castiel was going to be sick. "What do you need?" He asked as he sat up a little, sleep and tiredness suddenly forgotten, suddenly alert and prepared to grab the bucket again if Cas needed it.

"Uh... I need... to use the bathroom." Castiel said, his cheeks flushing a little red as he bowed his head down. The embarrassment made him not notice the fact that Dean's eyes were puffy and red and looked like he had been crying, if Castiel had noticed that, he wouldn’t have talked to Dean about it because he never saw the hunter cry, only in large amounts of distress like talking about his experience in Hell. Castiel took off some of the tubes in his body, knowing that they would be okay to take off as he had done it before, he effectively turned the machines that were the source of the tubes, on stand by. He only left the IV in which the bag for it was held on by a pole that was situated on the side of the bed. Castiel squirmed uncomfortably and managed to shuffle the blanket off of him, revealing his bony figure to Dean through his hospital gown. "I might as well bathe while I am at it." Castiel said matter of fact. It could also be his last proper wash before he would inevitably pass. He felt weaker in the past few days, whether it was because of the emotional toll that this was straining on him or the fact that he could very well be… well… dying. Even if he had been dying for almost 9 months now.

Dean stood up, helplessly following Cas' movements. He felt saddened that Castiel knew so much about the tubes, wires and machines that he was connected to and served to remind Dean once again, that Castiel had been in this hospital for longer than he thought. He tried desperately to avert his gaze on Castiel but he couldn't help but let his eyes fall upon Castiel's body. Beneath the thin fabric of his gown, was a skeleton. His shoulder bones protruded under his pale flesh. Dean swallowed, turning away. "Do you need me to get the nurse...someone to help you bathe..?" He offered, because he didn’t know what to do, how to help. Only someone who had done this before to Castiel would know what to do.

"Um... I think can bathe myself but…" Castiel paused, thinking who would have their shift on currently. "Kathy will be on shift… She can help me." Castiel said as he swung his legs to the side of the bed and gripped his IV pole tight. After Dean had left to find Kathy, Castiel tried to stand up and he managed to do so but leaned very heavily on the hand over the pole and a hand gripping his bed. He almost fell because of the weakness in his legs but he managed to stay upright, his legs and arms were shaking and he cursed under his breath. He was reminded of how he used to be an all-powerful Angel of the Lord, smiting the demons with a hand to the face, now a human who could barely stand without being helped. It made Castiel feel weak, lost, confused and so human. He almost hated it. 

Dean came back into the room, the nurse - Kathy - trailing close behind. He noticed the way that Castiel held his body, noticed the way that his thing arms and legs couldn’t hold his weight and he was by Castiel's side within a moment when he saw him struggling. He wrapped his arm around his waist, the other supporting him by his shoulder. He looked up questioningly at Kathy, following her and leading Castiel towards the bathroom. The walking was slow, Castiel didn’t have the energy or the strength to perform the little task of walking and it seemed as if he had to learn the dutiful task of walking all over again. Dean had missed out on so much, he was learning how much Castiel could do, and even that wasn’t a lot. Once they reached the bathroom which was conveniently down the hall, he passed Castiel’s frail body into Kathy’s arms hesitantly, making sure that Castiel wasn’t going to fall. Just the little walk down the corridor that should have taken less than a minute, took Castiel 5 and he even seemed a little out of breath by the exercise he just did.

Kathy helped Castiel into going to the bathroom, turning her back when necessary. It was convenient that the bathroom was close to the shower room and after Castiel used the bathroom, they headed to the shower rooms in the next room. Kathy placed little bottles of shampoo and soap in the shower that Castiel was going to use and he was pleased to see a bar on the wall so that people could lean onto. "Kathy, I think I'll be fine from now on, thank you." Castiel said and Kathy nodded and left. "You don't have to stay if you don't want to Dean..." Castiel said, leaning on the wall and bringing his hands up to start untying his hospital gown which was tied up at his neck and consecutively down his back. He didn’t want to pressure Dean in any way just because he was here with him and would not like to have Dean feeling uncomfortable.

Dean had stayed lingering awkwardly outside when Castiel had gone to the bathroom and he helped him to walk into the shower room as well as Kathy. Kathy seemed helpful and she seemed like she knew a lot about Castiel – only making Dean question how long he had been here yet again. When Kathy left, he turned to Cas. "I...I can help you." He suggested. He quite honestly had no idea how Castiel was going to manage showering on his own because the man was too weak to even hold up his body weight and he was having enough trouble just standing up. Dean bit his lip, realizing and understanding Cas' insecurities about his frail body. "But it's okay. I'll leave...if you don't want me here." He said, looking up to Castiel.

"No... it is fine.. I'll ask for your help if I need it. I just don't want you to be uncomfortable... I'll go in now." Castiel said as he stepped in and draped the blue blocker material around, concealing him. He held onto the bar on the wall and with one hand managed to completely untie the gown and reached the hand that held it through the material and wall, dropping it onto the floor. Castiel turned on the shower and with both hands, stood in the middle of the cubicle, letting the water cascade through his boy, trickling through the bony and almost translucent skin. He then realized that he had to keep two hands on the bar to keep from falling but he needed to wash his hair. His heart sank a little but did what he had to and he thought about it for a few moments, aside from enjoying the feeling of the warm and cleansing water trickled down his back, he realized that they was only 2 conclusions; don’t wash the hair or ask Dean for help. "Dean... I need a little help washing my hair..." He said over the noise of the shower water.

Dean understood Cas' fear of making the hunter uncomfortable. But nonetheless, it upset him. Castiel was still Castiel - for now, at least. Just because his body lacked the colour and muscle it used to have, didn't change anything. Quite honestly, Dean didn't feel anything could ever make him uncomfortable around Cas. Dean heard Castiel call out - his voice soft and muffled under the sound of the shower. He came into the shower - expecting to see Cas' frail and exposed shell but still not being able to stop himself from pausing briefly in shock. It was the ribs that drew his attention. His skin was so sickly tight around them - like a canvas stretched too far around it's frame. His gut was non-existent and his entire body inflated and deflated with each breath. Dean's eyes rested on the tattoo on Cas' side, a reminder of his early days of being human. He blinked, drawing his gaze back up to Cas' face. The fallen angels eyes were sad again. Dean swallowed, squeezing a handful of shampoo into his palm and beginning to run it through Cas' wet hair without saying a word.

Castiel closed his eyes and focused on the feeling of Dean's hands and fingers running through his wiry hair. It felt good to actually be cleaned now as he hated being bed ridden and it almost felt as if he were free – or as free as he could get in this hospital. Castiel enjoyed this moment but only wanted more, he kept reminding himself to make the most out of things as he didn't have that much more time so he wanted to experience everything. "Shower with me?" Castiel asked, feeling heat burn in his cheeks because he knew that they both had mutual feelings for each other, the same feelings. He just wanted to take it to the next step. He was nervous to see how Dean would react.

Dean just nodded, seeing the need burning in Castiel's eyes and understanding him all too well. Every moment had to be treated like it was their last. It was such a shame that it also had to be their first. Dean peeled off his shirt, which was already damp from washing Cas' hair, and then shuffled out of his jeans. He came under the steady stream of water; eyes locked on Cas', and placed his hands on the man's shoulders, trying to support him in whatever way he could. He tried to ignore the fact that when he held his shoulders, he was grabbing on to nothing but bone. Dean leant his forehead against Castiel's, the water soaking their hair and tickling down their faces. He closed his eyes, trying to savour the moment – holding Castiel close to him, skin on skin.

Castiel turned and wrapped his arms around Dean's neck and leant into him fully. He would have to apologize later if he was too heavy, but Castiel realized that he wasn’t heavy anymore, he was just skin and bones, pretty literally. Castiel enjoyed the touch of both their heads together and they stayed like that for a long while before Castiel just moved his head slightly forward to kiss the other man's full lips. Right now was what mattered to Castiel, right now was a reason he was still alive and right now was a reason to experience things he never got to experience before.

Dean pressed into the kiss, feeling Cas' desperation and returning it with his equally as needy desire. The kiss was salty, and Dean could taste the reminiscence of Cas' medication in his mouth. Dean let his hands drift over Cas' shoulders, tracing down his delicate spine. He brushed his fingers over the two scars that stretched the length of Castiel's back, the place where his wings used to be - the wounds were the only reminder of their existence. He felt his gut twist, the sadness threatening to overcome him. Castiel had sacrificed so much - his home, his grace, his identity. And in turn, he had ended up in a hospital, dying of a pitiful human disease. What good man deserved this?

After the kiss, which he promised to keep in his memory as long as he can, they leaned on each other's forehead again and Castiel pressed himself close to Dean, feeling the warmth radiate from the man. Even though the shower was spraying warm water, Dean seemed to beat that temperature and Castiel wondered if he was cold to Dean. He wondered so much that he actually had to ask. "A-am I cold?" Castiel asked quietly, maybe he was as cold as he is going to be at the time his heart stops pumping the blood around his body. Castiel leaned his head in the crook of Dean's neck and inhaled his leathery scent. He kissed the older hunter's collarbone, glad for his existence, glad that he was here right now for him.

Even under the shower, Castiel did feel considerably colder than Dean. It reminded Dean of climbing on to the Impala's leather seats on a freezing cold day. How numbing it could be, but at the same time delightful when he was able to turn the heater on and the car would fill with warmth. The thought bought comfort to him. He reached up to run his hands through Cas' hair, holding his frail body firmly against his - admiring the touch of his lips on his collarbone. "A little bit." Dean breathed, his lips lingering in the fallen angel's hair. "Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm tired... even though I just slept for ages.. and my stomach is just a little more sore than usual." Castiel said against Dean's skin. Castiel appreciated feeling the warn mix of muscle and skin being knit together and pressing onto him and Castiel held on tighter around Dean's neck almost as if he could bound Dean to him and keep them together. "I think we should head out..." he admitted, his legs feeling weak and over-used and he brought his head up to quickly kiss Dean's lips once again.

"Okay." Dean agreed, cursing himself for asking a goddamn cancer patient if he was 'alright'. He could feel Castiel going quite limp in his arms and had to agree it was probably wise go get him back to bed. He took Cas' hands, resting them back on the railing. "Hold on to that." He said as he turned the shower off and retrieved the clean towel Kathy had left for him. He unfolded it and began to run it through Cas' hair, before working his way downwards. As he did so, he couldn't help but think how only two days earlier everything had been normal - he had been a hunter, on the road with Sammy, taking care of a small vampire problem. And now, today, he was in the hospital, taking care of Castiel.

Castiel leaned onto the railing and he cursed at himself for feeling so weak and vulnerable even though he couldn't help it. It didn't help that his stomach was starting to hurt again but he just bit his lip whenever it got painful, he didn’t want to worry Dean. He felt embarrassed when Dean had started drying him but knew that he could trust the man, besides, Dean had seen plenty of things in his day especially with the supernatural world, drying down a severely underweight man shouldn't be a problem. Castiel suddenly felt so grateful that Dean was here, helping him, staying by his side and cheering him up. But it only was going to make Dean feel worse when the time was going to come. After Dean finished drying Castiel, much to Castiel's embarrassment, he helped put on Castiel's hospital gown and Castiel held onto his IV pole.

Dean could feel Castiel flinch slightly under his touch and could sense his discomfort. He hesitated, wondering if he was pushing things too far. He turned Cas so they were looking each other in the eye when he dressed him in his gown. 'It's okay', he tried to tell Cas without saying anything, as he slid his arms into the sleeves. He quickly dried himself off, struggling back into his jeans and shirt - feeling Cas' eyes on him and being overcome by a sudden embarrassment. When they were both dressed, he slid an arm around Castiel's waist, holding his side gently and led him back to the room.


	6. Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel fell from Heaven. He met up with the Winchester boys but then he did something no one thought he was capable of doing. He moved away, away from the Winchesters, away from the Supernatural life and away from everything. He started a new life.  
> 3 years later and his new life isn't going as good as he thought it would so he calls up Dean, asks him to come over because right now he is in the hospital, dying, from the most human illness: Cancer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys~ Sorry this one is a tad late, things have been hectic. I'm aiming to have this story completed and up by the next week, before school starts again. Thanks to the lovely ameliaa-holmes for this and I hope you enjoy this chapter!~  
> (Plus, thanks to those who kudos, you guys are in my hearts :3)

Kayla, the nurse, was already busy with other jobs and Dean had managed to get Castiel back to his bed anyway and when Castiel laid back onto the small hospital bed, he started putting all the wires back on him, almost expertly. He had done this type of thing so many times now that it seemed normal for him. Hospital life had just seemed normal for Castiel although he would never admit to it. He was used to the sound of the ringing phone, used to the nurses coming in to check on him or give him useless and tasteless food and he was used to the constant thought of dying, especially to the constant thought of dying alone. He had died before, all for Dean but he was dying for a purpose, now he was dying because something was eating him up from the inside and for no reason or purpose. That was why he was scared to die alone, because his death had no meaning, but he wanted to mean something to someone and that someone would be next to him as he was dying, to show that he did mean something. "Thank you." Castiel said and offered Dean a small smile which seemed to light up his face. "That meant a lot to me." It was true, Castiel was sick of nurses washing him and it felt good to finally not feel so helpless. "I hate being so damn tired all of the time..." Castiel stated, looking down to his lap.

Dean watched in amazement as Castiel connected himself back up to the tubes and wires, not giving a second thought to the routine, and turning the machines back on; he didn’t even need assistance from any other nurse or doctor. He was surprised when Castiel thanked him. He hadn't really been expecting praise for the act. It hadn't been a favour - it was an act of affection. Besides, it was the least Dean could do to stop the guilt from consuming him entirely. He rested his palm on Castiel's chest - a barrier between the two had been broken and Cas didn't seem to half mind when Dean's hand came into contact with his bony body. He could feel the sharp stab of the ex-angel’s sternum and he knew from looking at Castiel in the shower, and now that Castiel was laying down, that his ribs would be even more prominent. The thought along scared Dean witless but he continued to do what he had been doing for Castiel since the moment he stepped foot in the hospital room, put up a strong face. "It's okay, Cas. There's no use trying to fight it." He soothed. Truth be told, Dean didn't want Cas to surrender to his tiredness. He was terrified of losing him and he knew that as soon as the man's eyes closed, Dean would feel small, distant and helpless.

Castiel soon fell into a restless sleep, he didn't know why it was getting harder and harder to fall asleep but he supposed it was because he was getting more and more distracted now, every single thought would make him stay up and think more about it. He just wanted to stay up and talk to Dean constantly till it was time, but his body was betraying him, failing him, and he hated it, hated every part of this torturous ride. But even though Castiel had died before, this was different, he had to wait for death and he knew this time, he wasn't coming back, mostly, he was scared of leaving Dean, leaving the one he saved from Hell, the one he physically marked.

o0o

Sam listened to the message on his phone and sighed. Castiel, the once all powerful angel was dying, slowly and painfully. It hurt to know that, it hurt to realize that the special thing that Dean and the ex-angel had would disappear. He knew that this would be hard on Dean, maybe even too hard but he wasn't going to give up on his brother. Sure, Dean loved the man but Sam needed him, for hunts, for being his big brother in general. He decided to text Dean, he wasn’t going to visit them; Dean deserved to just have his time with Castiel, and even if Sam was going to miss Castiel himself, he thought it was the best option. He didn’t want Castiel feeling guilty about leaving yet someone else back on earth, Castiel never needed that. 'Sorry to hear that. Say hello to Cas for me, I hope he has a good couple of days or weeks or months left. Stay with him Dean. He needs you. Just you. Hope you are okay. -S'

Dean was watching the stillness of Castiel's body as he slept. He kept his hand resting on his chest, feeling the weak rising and falling as he breathed. Though Dean didn't realize, he was keeping his hand there to reassure himself that Castiel was still breathing, was still with him - alive, for at least a moment longer. He jolted when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He slid it out, reading the message. He was about to reply when he suddenly dialled Sam's number instead. He needed to hear his brother's voice - the familiar comfort of it. He needed someone to talk to. He waited, listening to the continual dialling. "Come on, you bitch," he muttered under his shaky breath, "Pick up." Without his younger brother’s support, Dean wouldn’t be able to handle it, he couldn’t do this alone, not lose someone like Cas.

Sam was in the motel room, cleaning the guns when he heard his phone go off. He wondered if it was Dean, wondered if Dean was going to tell him that Castiel was dead, wondered if that was true then he would be on the verge of killing himself because Sam wasn't stupid. Sam knew that Dean loved Castiel even more than he could fathom and even he himself was in a bad place after Jess died, the only thing keeping him from putting a bullet to his head was the anger and revenge he wanted to get. He picked up the phone slowly and answered. "Dean? What's up? Is Castiel okay?" Sam asked, putting the shotgun on the bed besides him and leaning forward, hair gently falling in front of his face as he listened to his big brother.

Dean was silent on the other end of the phone for a long time, he just needed to think of something to say but it was so hard in a time like this. He looked down at Castiel, his hand gliding soothingly over his chest. Tears began to swell in his eyes at the sound of his brother's voice. There was no voice Dean knew better than Sam's - there was no voice that bought him more comfort than his brother's. "He's...he's okay. He's just sleeping." Dean choked off, a lump rising in his throat. "He's dying, Sammy." He'd already told his brother this in the voice mail he left but saying it again - letting the words tumble from his lips once more - seemed as surreal as the first time. "Oh god, how did I let this happen to him?" His breath was shaky and uneven and Dean had to remind himself not to be too loud for Castiel and to calm himself before he got much more upset.

Sam sat in silence too. He didn’t know how Dean felt deep down but the best he could relate to it was when Dean had in fact been in the hospital himself and he had been so so worried, his heart slowly giving up on him and Dean was just losing his overall creativeness, his smarmy jokes, his cockiness as he was dying slowly on the inside. "Dean..." Sam knew he had to come up with something to calm his big brother down. It was like the two roles of the brothers were switched and instead of Dean telling Sam that it was going to be okay, Sam had to calm Dean down instead. "Dean. None of this is your fault. Yes, Castiel is dying but you didn’t start any of this and it’s sure as hell that Castiel doesn't blame you for anything. He left on his own terms those few years ago Dean, it wasn't anyone's fault. Life has been hard for him and it's just his time to go. Things like this happen." Sam said, hoping that he was actually getting a message through to Dean.

Dean had started to sob. ‘His time to go. His time to go. His time to go’. The words stabbed deep into his heart and reverberated around his head, leaving him feeling entirely hollow, as if someone had scooped him out like a pumpkin. "I let him leave, Sammy. I let him just go. After all he'd done for us - He walked out that door and I didn't stop him." He tried to wipe away his tears, tried to control his breathing. He didn't want to wake Cas. The words were pouring out now and he couldn't stop them. "I should have been with him Sam. I shouldn't have let him go. I could have kept him safe. He didn't have to be alone. He didn't have to feel unworthy. He could have been loved. I could have loved him. But, now he's here, in this goddamn hospital, in this goddamn sterile bed, and he's minutes are running out. They're running out Sam and there's nothing I can do. No damn deal I can make or spell I can conjure. And his time was wasted. It was wasted. He was alone, because I didn't stop him. I let him go." He broke off, his throat swelling.

Sam's heart shattered at Dean's words and could hear that his older brother was crying. Only a few events made him tear up, one of them was describing Hell meaning that right now, Dean was feeling worse than when he was in Hell himself and that saddened Sam. "It was not your fault, you couldn't see into the future. You had no way of knowing what was going to happen and you yes, you didn't stop him but he didn’t want to be stopped. He wanted to run away from the supernatural world and he did Dean. I think he was happy for those few years he was away and I think the only reason he wanted you to be there for him was so that he could thank you for everything. Just... he needs to remember these last few days or weeks or whatever, so make him comfortable when you can and he won't forget all the things you did for him because he will never forget you Dean. You are in his heart and you know it..." Sam said as he sighed and looked down to the floor, his own eyes tearing up.

Dean listened carefully to his Sam's words, so grateful for his brother's support. He nodded, trying to control his sobbing but unable to. He buried his face in the depths of his jacket, as if suffocating himself would help stop the tears and the sadness. As selfish as it sounded, making Castiel happy in his final days was going to bring Dean more sadness than he thought he could manage. But it was a sacrifice he was prepared to make. How he would handle himself after Castiel was gone, was his problem. And he would face it when it came. "I know, I know. I just want him to be ...I need him to know he's not alone." He bit his lip, a low whimper escaping his lungs. "Thank you Sam. Thank you. I needed to hear your voice. You always know what to say."

"Just remember to be there for him, that’s the best thing you can do right now. Take care of yourself too, you are important. Call me whenever you need to Dean. I'll see you later." Sam said as he turned the phone off and put his head in his hands, fighting the urges not to cry because his big brother sounded so torn, so broken. He wondered if Dean was ever going to be the same ever again.

"Thank you..." Dean breathed again as his brother hung up. He kept his face buried in his jacket, not wanting to look up at Castiel. He could still feel his chest rising and falling under his palm and focused on the movement - treasuring it.


	7. Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel fell from Heaven. He met up with the Winchester boys but then he did something no one thought he was capable of doing. He moved away, away from the Winchesters, away from the Supernatural life and away from everything. He started a new life.  
> 3 years later and his new life isn't going as good as he thought it would so he calls up Dean, asks him to come over because right now he is in the hospital, dying, from the most human illness: Cancer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry I haven't updated earlier but I have become so busy with school work and the lot! I do hope you accept my sincerest apologies and I do also hope that you enjoy this new chapter! Thanks to all those who have reviewed or kudosed!

Castiel woke up with a start again, feeling something in his chest, it felt heavy and when he looked down, Dean's hand was still rested on his chest but just felt heavier as his own chest was small and frail. He laid his own small hand over to rest on Dean's large hand and gave it an encouraging squeeze making Dean, who was still awake, look at him. "I have something to say..." Castiel said as he looked just outside the window where it was raining today but the sun was still out. "Don't make any deals or bargains... not that you can anyway... and don't visit me in heaven earlier than you are supposed to, Sam needs you." Castiel said, looking at Dean. “I don’t want you to die Dean, not before you should. So please… Don’t die for me. Promise me.”

Dean swallowed, saddened that these were the first thoughts on Castiel's mind when he woke up. He didn't want to, but he agreed to Castiel's words - because he loved him, and didn't want to upset him. "I promise." He squeezed Castiel's hand softly; scared he would break his bones if the contact was too much. "I'll see you in Heaven when the time is right." Was all he said regarding the matter. Castiel didn't need to see the pain his parting would cause Dean because Dean knew it would be painful for him, painful for him to know that the person in which he loved would disappear before they could express their love for each other first.

"I just hope... hope they let me in Heaven anyway." Castiel sighed and he looked down at his hand where it had started to feel a little itchy. "Dean... what does this do?" He asked, still looking at the IV on top of his hand. He didn’t know he had been wearing one, it must have slipped his mind and he realized that there was pressure on his chest, he didn’t know why. "The nurses must have put this on me when I was sleeping..." he concluded, he felt fine, just a little confused right at the moment.

Dean flipped Cas' hand in his, looking down at the IV. "Cas, you’ve always had that on... You’re just tired, not thinking best." He said that in an attempt to calm his own nerves, not Castiel's. He leaned down, placing a small kiss on the skin just beneath were the IV entered. "Are you...in pain?" He asked, wanting to help Cas in any way he could manage and also wanting to know if Castiel was any closer to dying than he thought.

"Um..." Castiel said, looking down on himself as if he could see it. "My stomach hurts..." He moaned and as he recognized it, it got increasingly worse. "Is that a good thing? Dean why am I hurting?" He asked, he suddenly felt unfamiliar with the place he was in. He held onto Dean's hand to comfort himself as he looked around and closed his eyes, shaking his head. What was happening to him, was he going insane? 

Dean bought his other hand up to cup Castiel's with both of his. "You're sick Cas, it's expecting that it'll hurt." Dean soothed but nonetheless feared this was more than his normal pains. What if this was serious? Should he call for help "How bad is the pain?" He asked, remembering how Cas had ranked it between one and ten earlier on to the nurses. It seemed to be a pretty fair ranking system, accurate too. Dean just wished that Castiel never had to go through with this pain because dying in pain and dying without it were two different things.

"Oh..." Castiel murmured. Since when had he been sick? When he thought about it, it finally made sense because oh, he had cancer and he was dying. "It’s a four going to a five." Castiel groaned and after a few moments, he winced. "Okay, five to six but it might calm down soon." Castiel said hopefully as he laid his free hand on the gown over his stomach, scrunching it slightly as he willed for the pain to disappear.

Dean shook his head, hating the disorientated look on Castiel's face. "I'm going to get the nurse." He left the room and was back within moments. A nurse - Kathy, he thought - trailing close behind. She went over to Castiel's bedside, checking his tubes and reading numbers on the monitor that Dean didn't understand. Dean wished he understood, wished he could help Castiel instead of just sitting there, doing nothing, just being there as a comforter. But sometimes, a comforter is all you need.

"Castiel, your heart beat and blood pressure are increasing. Just try to relax. We are also low on your medication so we can’t give you any painkillers, I am terribly sorry. Just try to relax for me and maybe the pain will go away." Kathy soothed and caught Dean's eye. "Just make sure he stays calm, the medication he specifically needs is coming tomorrow and he's going to have to sit tight till then. It’s a different type of morphine since the general one doesn’t work as well with his system." She said sadly, she hated seeing patients in pain. She left after she put Castiel’s chart back on the bed and checked his vitals one more time.

After Kathy left, Dean sat down on the mattress beside Castiel. He hated this, seeing him in such pain, and knowing there was nothing he - or anyone - could do about it. He traced his fingers over his chest, soothingly. "Maybe you should try sleep some more." He suggested, though he really didn't want him to.

Castiel nodded and curled onto his side facing Dean. He grabbed one of Dean's hands with both of his hands and kept it close to him, feeling a constant connection. The uncomfortable ache and sharp stabbing pains were still there and constant as Castiel closed his eyes and tried to sleep. "S-seven..." He whimpered not just 5 minutes later and he kept his eyes squeezed shut like he could squeeze the pain out of him. He started to shake even though he wasn't that cold and sweat beaded on his forehead. Not even 10 minutes after he said that, he moaned again and tried to breathe out, hoping that the breathing could soothe him. "Eight... Dean it's an eight... never…-- never been this high." He whimpered and tried to curl on himself even more. His heart beat fastened a little, the monitor pointing that out.

Dean felt his own heart stammer, picking up a few beats. This is it. This is it. What if this is really it? His mind was racing. He could feel Cas' hands tighten on his and thought the action probably wasn't helping too much with keeping 'calm'. He got off the bed, instead kneeling on the ground beside it. "Cas -" He breathed, their hands still locked together, "Cas, look at me." He waited until the man on the bed slowly began to uncurl himself, opening his eyes and peering up at Dean. He was crying. "Look into my eyes. Just - focus. Focus on my face. Focus on this-" He squeezed his hand gently. "The pain's not going to go away, but you can divert your mind from it. I'm here. I'm with you. Focus on this. It's going to be okay. I'm here."

Castiel shook his head and if possible, curled around himself even more. He turned into his pillow and screamed into it, hoping it could help with the pain but it only made it worse. The white hot pins and needles felt like swords or everlasting pain swiping in and out of his stomach. He was sweating profusely and he clutched Dean's hand tightly, not even being able to vocalize that this was a ten. The most painful he has ever experienced and it was a definite ten. He didn’t know how he could go on, the searing pain was the only thing on his mind and he was shaking from the exertion of the whole thing. He yelled and grit his teeth, not even opening his eyes and Dean's voice was so far away, so so far away. The pain was the only thing in reality. Nurses came into the room immediately, some looking at his chart and others fiddling with the IV and heart monitor machine which was beeping in accordance to Castiel's heart beat which was way too fast for anyone’s liking. Castiel continued to writhe in pain on the small bed and a nurse withdrew a large needle, fast and expertly inserting the needle in to Castiel's port. Liz laid a hand on Dean's shoulder. "It’s a sedative, a strong one. It should make him go unconscious for a while. I just hoped we didn’t have to use it." She said over the sounds of nurses and doctors entering and exiting the room.

Dean stood, completely lost and helpless, by Cas' bed side as nurses and doctors poured in and out. He kept his grip on Castiel's hands - everything else becoming a blur. People were talking, soothing Cas, someone was talking to Dean, machines were beeping, the sound of liquid, feet rushing across clean floors, sheets, and machines, and Cas - the sound of Cas whimpering, screaming out in pain as he thrashed against his bed. Dean closed his eyes - trying to block the noise out, trying so goddamn hard to block it all out. He felt Castiel's grip on his hand slacken, heard the voices in the room gradually dull down. He let his eyes drift open, to find Castiel lying still on the bed now, panting slightly. One nurse remained in the room, fiddling quietly with the machines in the corner. "Cas…?” Dean breathed, realizing Castiel was on the verge of unconsciousness and a sudden fear swelling in his gut. "Cas..."

Castiel had felt the miraculous liquid enter his vein to be pumped around his body and he only hoped to god that he could be knocked out soon because this pain was too much for him. It surprised Castiel when he noticed that the medication was already working and the pain in his middle dulled a little. He started to hear again and heard numerous voices talking, some of them he recognized. He felt the hand in his and he released it as his hand started to feel heavy, like it was made of lead and his eyes started to grow heavy too so he let them stay shut. "Dean..." was all he could whisper before he welcomed the soothing realms of unconsciousness.

The nurse in the corner of the room looked up from what she was reading and very quietly said something. "I-it's soon... Not now but... soon. I'm sorry." She said before leaving quickly.

Soon. So soon. Dean felt a slight comfort at the thought that Castiel would be out of his misery soon. But he feared more than anything his own pain. He feared what Castiel's death would do to him. He'd lied to Castiel earlier, about meeting him in Heaven when the time was right. He could never say, but he planned to follow Cas' ass right up to Heaven as soon he left. He thought of Sammy and his heart ached. He didn't want to leave his brother but he was so goddamn sick of suffering. He'd made it further than he ever expected to - he'd been close to suicide countless times now. It was about time he finally just gave in. Dean rested his head on Cas' arm, breathing in as much of his scent as he could. Despite it all, Castiel still smelt the same as he did when he was angel - the aroma of feathers still lingered on his skin.


	8. Pressure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel fell from Heaven. He met up with the Winchester boys but then he did something no one thought he was capable of doing. He moved away, away from the Winchesters, away from the Supernatural life and away from everything. He started a new life.  
> 3 years later and his new life isn't going as good as he thought it would so he calls up Dean, asks him to come over because right now he is in the hospital, dying, from the most human illness: Cancer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm sorry that this is a really short chapter but it is the second last chapter of the whole fiction! I would like to say a big thank you to all who have read this, and I hope you have enjoyed the journey! Thanks to ameliaa-holmes.~

Castiel was in a deep sleep for hours, the sedative obviously working very well and when Castiel woke up, his head was muddled and he was confused so he just lay there, trying to think about what happened. All his muscles were sore and felt like they had been used and his stomach was just a throbbing ache that didn’t register too much to him. He finally remembered what had happened and flinched at the memories of him being in the most amount of pain he had ever been in. It was torture, to be dying slowly and in pain, Castiel never asked for this but then again, he would rather himself in this situation rather than Dean. He wouldn’t be able to handle it if Dean were dying in a hospital bed. Dean was asleep again, fear evident on his sleeping face, and Castiel tried his best not to wake him, Dean never got that much sleep anymore and he needed all the rest he could get. Castiel looked up as Liz entered the room and she smiled. "What... what time is it?" He asked weakly and Liz checked his vitals, "Almost 12 o clock at night." She answered and Castiel nodded slightly. "Why do I... Why does my chest feel funny?" He asked her and for a brief moment, he could see a flicker of sadness in Liz's eyes. "Oh... that should be nothing. You're fine Castiel." She tried to reassure him and she smiled once again as she left, the unmistakeable emotion of sadness on her face. With nothing else to do, Castiel went to sleep and woke up for the last time at 10 o'clock the next morning.

When Dean woke up, Castiel was asleep. In habit, he placed his hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat and relaxing. He checked the time, 9am. He stood up, stretching with a groan. Sliding out his phone he saw he had a message from Sam. 'Another vampire cult seems to have arisen just east of where we thought we'd killed the bastards. I'll be gone for a few days. You can still contact me. I hope everything is okay. I'm thinking of you. Send Cas my love. - SW' Dean replied, 'Will do. Be safe. - DW'. He hated when Sam went on hunts by himself. Even though he knew he was perfectly capable of hunting independently, it still made him worry. Especially now, he couldn't afford to lose his little brother as well as Cas. Dean looked down at himself - he'd been wearing the same clothes for days now. He grabbed a pen and paper and wrote Castiel a message, "Just swinging by home to pick up some clean clothes. I'll be back in a few hours. Take care." He left the notepad on Castiel's chest, planting a kiss on his forehead. He hesitated, before leaving the hospital.


	9. The End.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel fell from Heaven. He met up with the Winchester boys but then he did something no one thought he was capable of doing. He moved away, away from the Winchesters, away from the Supernatural life and away from everything. He started a new life.  
> 3 years later and his new life isn't going as good as he thought it would so he calls up Dean, asks him to come over because right now he is in the hospital, dying, from the most human illness: Cancer.

When Castiel woke up, he was alone and his chest felt even tighter now. It felt as though his lungs were filled with pressure which kept growing and growing, it didn’t hurt though, that was good he supposed. He looked around and waited for Dean, only thinking that maybe he was in the bathroom but it became apparent after nearly 20 minutes that he was gone somewhere. He looked to his left, saw the note and sighed.

He waited for an hour and his chest was getting really uncomfortable again but he didn’t do anything to help it, just lay there and looked out of the window, watching the people out there and appreciating the sun that streamed through the window and lighted the whole room. It made him think about his life, his adventures, his times where he would laugh, the times where he would cry. Everything he had done in his life and he felt like he didn’t have one single regret anymore. He had shaped his life, the time being an angel and the time being a fallen angel to create this conclusion. He met Dean after all those thousands of years of living and that was the most wonderful thing. 

He loved Dean, he loved him so much and now was the time to tell him that – when he got back. He had to tell Dean that he had loved him the moment he had pulled the man from Hell, he had to hold him close, hold his hand, kiss him, tell him not to worry but tell him that Dean Winchester was the better half of himself. And that's when he realized that his stomach didn't hurt, in fact, he couldn't feel much of anything and his vision started to get hazy. He frowned, what was going on? He suddenly felt so much weaker and tired than before. Oh god- Was this it? He wasn’t ready… he couldn’t do this. He had to tell Dean, but there was no time. 

Dean promised him, Dean promised he would be there, now he was alone, but he wasn’t going to sit and do nothing about it. The heart rate monitor picked up slightly as Castiel found a pen and used the back of the note Dean left him to write out a scrawled 'I love you. Take care. I'll see you in heaven. -C' Was all he could write before he lost the sensation in his arms and let them fall to the bed, he tried to keep calm but couldn't, knowing Dean wasn't there with him but he held onto the note as it was the last thing to be with Dean. He closed his eyes and breathed slowed, calming himself as his vision disappeared altogether and he lost feeling in the whole of his body. It was bliss, no pain, no feeling but no Dean. His heart lurched in his chest as the last things he heard was the general noise of the hospital and the heart monitor. Once again, his heart beat and Castiel drew in his last breath. "I love you De-"

Castiel died at 11:23 on the 22nd of July.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean came back to the hospital with a grin on his face. He was wearing clean clothes now - smelling fresh of leather. In one hand, he carried his bag - which was usually loaded with weapons - but was now filled with a selection of clean clothes for himself, and Cas if he wanted them. He didn't know how long he was going to be staying at the hospital but he figured he might as well make himself at home. In the other hand, Dean held a cardboard box, which had an apple pie inside - he'd bought it for himself, more than Castiel, who struggled to get any food down...even pie. On top of the box sat the DVD of the film 'It's A Wonderful Life'. It was a film Dean promised Castiel - a good four years ago - he would watch with him sometime, after the angel had been greatly confused as to why Meg insisted on calling him Clarence. Dean was grateful he could finally live up to one of his promises.

Dean knew the moment he saw the door to Castiel's room was open that something was wrong. A nurse - Kathy - came out, stumbling when she saw Dean. Dean choked out a "What-". There were tears in her eyes. She just shook her head, giving him a sad smile and kept walking. Dean staggered into Castiel's room, his heart pounded helplessly in his chest. His ears rang. The room was white. Sterile. He'd never noticed how goddamn white it was before. It burnt his eyes. The bag hit the ground, the pie quickly followed. Dean stumbled across the room - his gaze falling upon Castiel's bed. Empty. It had been made, like a hotel bed remade for its next customer.   
Dean let out a long and desperate cry, the pain tearing through his chest as he collapsed onto something. No into something - one of the nurses was holding him. Holding him as he screamed. He thrashed, the realization crashing down. "No." He cried. "No no no... He can't be - he can't." He pushed helplessly in the nurse's arms as she tried to calm him down. "He can't be gone."

"Shh." The nurse hushed. Dean didn't know her name. It didn't goddamn matter anyway. "There was nothing that could be done. He went peacefully."  
Dean shook his head, looking through his tears at the nurse. "You don't understand. I wasn't with him. I promised him - I promised I would be with him. And I wasn't." Oh God, Dean thought, he died alone. After everything, he still died alone. 

The thought tore Dean in two and he screamed out, caving over. He was no longer able to push back the pain in his gut that had threatened to overrun him his entire life. He felt himself break, surrendering once and for all to the pain and the guilt and the loss as he cried helplessly.   
"I'm sorry -" Dean was bought back to the reality when a piece of paper was shoved under his nose, "I know this isn't a good time. But I think he left this for you." Dean looked up at the nurse, then back at the paper. He took it from her with trembling hands and she left the room. It was just Dean, and the empty bed. He sat down on the corner of the mattress, trying to calm his sobs as he unfolded the note. 

‘I love you. Take care. I'll see you in heaven. -C’

Dean sobbed, noticing how messy the final words became and wondering if Cas died writing it. He coughed, choking at the thought. He bought the note to his lips, kissing it softly as several silent tears dropped onto it. 

 

"I love you too Cas." He breathed against the paper. The words he had waited so many years to say - finally said too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for going through this story with me. It's been one hell of a short ride.~


End file.
